i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
