the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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