He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
