my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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