Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
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If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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