It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
