everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
