dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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