do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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