I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
