i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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