If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
