I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
