Sorry, I don't speak sober.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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