I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
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