You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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