last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
