how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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