I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
