the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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