i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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