a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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