My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
