Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
