he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
