I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
