You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
