I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
