my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
