Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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