My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
