Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
