Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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