Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
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This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
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Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win