I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
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There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
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I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush