So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
