Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
