had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
