Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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