There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
