Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
