problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
