You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Randomize
