R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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