I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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