here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties