How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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