just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
