My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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