Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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