I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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