She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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