When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
