She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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