WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
