Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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