So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
