I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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