So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize