i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
