thus making me awesome and them whores
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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