I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
