So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
