sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
