somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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