i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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